People Pleaser No More: Overcoming Avoidance and Setting Boundaries in Motherhood

Being a mom is an incredible journey filled with love, joy, and countless rewards. However, it's also a role that comes with immense pressure and responsibility. Many moms find themselves feeling overwhelmed, burned out, and struggling to prioritize their own needs. They often feel trapped, unable to express their true emotions and assert themselves without feeling guilty or facing potential consequences.

In this blog post, we will delve into the topic of people pleasing and its impact on moms. We'll explore why holding back emotions, opinions, and thoughts can seem like the safer option, and how it relates to the protective patterns we developed over time. But more importantly, we'll shed light on how overcoming avoidance and blurry boundaries can lead to a more empowered and fulfilling motherhood experience.

Understanding the Urge to Avoid: Unraveling the Protective Mechanism

Avoidance is a natural response rooted in our instinct for self-preservation. It arises from a part of us that wants to protect us from potential harm or negative outcomes. Perhaps you fear being yelled at, criticized, or ignored by others. These consequences feel very real and powerful to you, even if the chance of them occurring is small.

As a result, you find yourself holding onto your emotions, thoughts, and needs. You suppress them, fearing that expressing yourself might lead to conflict or further emotional turmoil. You may have experienced situations where sharing your feelings only led to negative outcomes, reinforcing the belief that it's better to keep things to yourself. This pattern of behaviors is also referred to as people pleasing. People pleasing, at its core, is your nervous system trying to keep you safe by attempting to predict outcomes, walk on eggshells around people and say what you think people want to hear.

The Hidden Costs of Holding It In: Unleashing the Burden

While avoiding conflict and suppressing emotions might provide temporary relief, the long-term consequences can be detrimental. By keeping everything inside, you deny yourself the opportunity to release and process your feelings. The weight of unexpressed emotions accumulates, causing a burden that weighs heavily on your mental and emotional well-being.

Over time, this burden manifests in regret, shame, disappointment, resentment, and anxiety. You may find yourself constantly questioning your actions, feeling disconnected from your true self, and struggling to find fulfillment in motherhood. The emotional toll of avoidance can affect your relationships, self-esteem, and overall quality of life.

Breaking Free from the Chains: Challenging the Ineffective Patterns

It's essential to recognize that the protective patterns developed in the past might no longer serve you in the present. While they were once effective ways to avoid conflict and maintain a sense of safety, they hinder your growth and well-being as a mother.

For example, denying that you’re feeling angry when your partner comes home late without letting you know, leaving you to manage dinner, bath and bedtime solo, can lead to (unintentionally) showing your partner that it’s ok to act this way. This dishonesty, by saying “it’s fine” when it it isn’t, can lead you to feel more angry and in fact, guilty, for not having voiced your true response. And for some, they continue in this cycle until something, maybe something innocuous, pushes their system so far that they explode.

It's time to challenge these patterns and embrace new strategies that empower you to express yourself authentically (including setting and holding boundaries). It begins with acknowledging that avoiding conflict doesn't lead to resolution or personal growth. Instead, it perpetuates a cycle of unmet needs and unaddressed emotions. This can lead to anger at the folks in your life who ask too much of you and at yourself for standing up and saying ‘no’ in the moment. We’ve all had those moments after a conflict where we ruminate and fixate on what we could have said, and what it would have felt like to tell someone ‘no’ when they asked you to take on more of the mental load.

Embracing Empowerment: Replacing Negative Beliefs

One of the underlying factors contributing to avoidance is the presence of negative beliefs such as "I can't get what I want" or "I cannot stand up for myself." These beliefs create a sense of powerlessness, leaving you feeling inadequate and unable to assert your needs and boundaries.

EMDR therapy offers a transformative approach to address and shift these negative beliefs. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is a research-supported therapy that helps process past experiences and their associated beliefs, emotions, and sensations. Through EMDR, you can replace these core beliefs that got imprinted in you at a young age, cultivate a stronger sense of self and live more authentically as you, not who you’ve had to be.

The Power of EMDR Therapy: Unlocking Self-Expression and Setting Boundaries

EMDR therapy provides a safe and supportive space to explore the underlying causes of avoidance and its impact on your life. By working with a trained therapist, you can identify and process past experiences that contributed to the development of avoidance patterns (like telling people you’re fine when you’re not or pushing down your feelings out of fear of judgement or a harsh reaction). EMDR helps desensitize the negative emotions and beliefs associated with these experiences, allowing for their resolution and integration. What does this look like in real life? It means being able to speak your mind without fear of being invalidated or punished. It means less time feeling anxious and angry and more time being present and connected to the here and now.

As you progress through EMDR therapy, you'll gain the tools and insights needed to unlock your authentic voice. You'll learn to set boundaries (like saying no), express your needs and emotions confidently, and prioritize self-care without guilt. EMDR can be a powerful catalyst for transforming your motherhood experience and reclaiming your power.

Conclusion

To all the stressed-out and overwhelmed moms out there, know that you are not alone. The journey of motherhood can be challenging, but it's essential to prioritize your well-being and embrace your voice. Overcoming people pleasing and avoidance requires courage, self-compassion, and the willingness to seek support.

By acknowledging the patterns of avoidance and the negative beliefs that hold you back, you can embark on a transformative journey towards empowerment. EMDR therapy offers a path to process past experiences, challenge self-limiting beliefs, and create a more fulfilling and balanced motherhood experience.

Remember, you have the right to be heard, to set boundaries, and to prioritize your own needs. Embrace your voice, trust in your strength, and take the first step towards a more empowered and authentic motherhood.