Why Am I Not Enjoying Time With My Kids?
It is highly possible that you’ve been focusing all of your energy, time, and being on your children. Some folks may see this as admirable. I know I used to. This pattern can also be seen as a way of avoiding your own needs and wants in order to prevent negative consequences later (even perceived ones). However, it often results in dreading that time spent with kids that you desperately wanted to enjoy.
Putting Your Needs Last Makes You the First One to Suffer
When you neglect your own needs and desires, you become exhausted, overwhelmed, and eventually bitter. This is not the version of yourself that typically enjoys time spent with your kids! Putting your needs last can lead to resentment of the people around you, including your children and partner. Resentment is a feeling of anger or bitterness that you hold onto when you think someone has treated you unfairly. It's like carrying around a heavy grudge because you're upset about how you've been treated.
You may begin to feel resentful of those who have their needs met, even your children, and even when you know logically their needs are important. This doesn’t make you a bad mom. It’s common for women to be asked to effectively (and with a smile) manage a household, the kids and their needs, and also plan the fun stuff like outings and vacations so that everyone can “enjoy themselves”.
Deep-Seated Beliefs and Self-Sacrifice
Deep down, you may believe “I don’t matter” or “I have to be perfect,” which continues to encourage self-sacrifice and people-pleasing behaviors. These beliefs are often instilled from a young age, perpetuated by societal expectations and the influence of previous generations. Perhaps as a young child you learned that if you anticipated what your mother needed or desired of you, and you could prepare, then you would avoid consequences such as being yelled at, ignored or punished. While you likely don’t live with your mother now, and haven’t for a long time, your inner child hasn’t forgotten how to keep you safe.
People-Pleasing and Self-Sacrifice Can Look Like:
Spending any free time you have planning things for your kids
Skipping the invite to meet friends for coffee because you don’t want to inconvenience your partner
Volunteering at your kid’s school event despite already being overscheduled and stressed
The Impact of People-Pleasing on Enjoying Time with Your Kids
When we slowly start to prioritize ourselves as moms, we start to fully appreciate and enjoy the time with our kids! However, this requires conscious effort and practice. For example, instead of always planning activities that only your kids enjoy, take turns choosing outings that everyone, including you, can look forward to. This balance helps prevent burnout and allows you to create joyful, shared experiences.
Recognizing Signals from Your Body and Brain
Begin by recognizing signals from your body and brain that indicate you're overwhelmed or resentful. These can be physical sensations, like tension in your shoulders or headaches, and emotional cues, such as irritability or sadness. Additionally, you may even get a sense of being a younger version of yourself or have images pop into your head from an earlier time in your life where you also felt overwhelmed or resentful.
Practical Steps to Prioritize Yourself
How to prioritize yourself starts with giving yourself increased chunks of time (these can start small!) for yourself. The idea of self-care for moms has often been reduced to getting a manicure or a massage. I’m not knocking those as resources if they’re accessible for you! However, self-care isn’t about being Instagram-worthy. Oftentimes, self-care is not glamorous at all.
Here Are My Favorite Ways to Engage in Self-Care:
Attend My Own Therapy: Have a dedicated person that I trust to hold that space for me and actively work on my resentment and related behaviors.
Take a 30-Minute Break/Pause:This is not so I can switch to doing another task. This is an intentional 30-60 minute pause on whatever I was doing to do something I enjoy depending on my energy level. Some days this is watching reality TV. Some days this is listening to a podcast while I sit on the couch. The more I practice this, the easier it gets to take the break in the first place without guilt.
Get My Feelings Out Through Creating Something: Maybe you’re not a journal person, and that’s okay (I am not). If you are, take some time to jot down what you notice in your body, your thoughts, anything that’s coming up. Alternatively, make something that expresses what you’re experiencing. Watercolors, colored pencils, crayons, whatever you have, just get them out and put something down.
Real-Life Tips for Overwhelmed Moms
Set Boundaries: Learn to say no to tasks and commitments that will overextend you (and also invites from people that don’t fill your cup when you spend time with them). Prioritize what truly matters. Practice saying “no” and find other phrases that work for you. My favorites include “I can’t this time” and “I won’t be able to commit to that right now.”
Delegate Responsibilities: Share household duties with your partner or older children to lighten your load.
Unplug from Social Media: Take breaks from social media to avoid comparison and reduce feelings of inadequacy. Bonus: Unfollow accounts that leave you feeling guilty, ashamed or anxious.
Practice Mindfulness: Spend a few minutes each day in mindfulness or meditation to center yourself and reduce stress. A favorite exercise of mine is about 5 minutes long and can be found here.
Final Thoughts from a Therapist for Moms
If you are currently wondering why you don’t love the time you spend with your children, I’d encourage you to try some of these tips. You matter, too. By prioritizing your own needs and engaging in self-care, you can reduce resentment and start to genuinely enjoy time with your family. Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish—it's necessary for your well-being and for being the best mom you can be.
