What Are You Grateful For? The Problem with Gratitude

This time of year, we're often asked about gratitude. What are we thankful for? What do we have that makes us feel grateful? We're supposed to say things like family, health, food on the table, or our jobs. For some people, this is easy. But for many of us, gratitude is more complicated than that.

I’m Grateful, But…

The underlying message to questions about gratitude is, “Be happy with what you have.” To some people, this is a simple, positive notion. To others, this means, “Don’t complain.” We all have parts of our lives that bother us, and there can be a lot of guilt associated with that, particularly when we’re being told to be thankful. “I am thankful,” we want to say, “But this is also hard.” 

The Comparison Game

It’s easy to get stuck in a comparison game. When we discuss what we’re thankful for, the conversation can easily lead to, “Be grateful you have things, because many others do not.” The problem with this is that it is a false comparison based on a scarcity mindset. In other words, the comparison game tells us that when we have things, other people are denied those things because of us. In fact, it tends to have little to do with us. As a child, if I didn’t want to eat my vegetables, I was often told, “Eat that, because children are starving in [insert country].” But whether five-year-old me ate my broccoli had little to do with starving children elsewhere in the world. I wasn’t taking it from them. And not eating broccoli had little to do with whether I was grateful to have food on the table. I was grateful for the food. I wasn’t as grateful for the things I didn’t like about broccoli. 

Shame and Guilt

Shame and guilt tend to result from this kind of comparison, even though the idea of gratitude is meant to make us thoughtful or even pleased. It feels terrible to think you are taking from other people, doesn't it? That terrible feeling is supposed to make us take action, whether it be eating our broccoli or donating to starving people. Unfortunately, it usually just stays a terrible feeling. It tends not to spur us on, and the shame and guilt can be really paralyzing. 

Some of Us Aren’t Haves

Another difficulty with the comparison game is that it assumes everyone has everything they need, which simply isn't the case. It can be confusing to be told to be grateful for everything you have when you're one of the people struggling to put food on the table or get everything done that needs to happen for your household. Even if the message is, "Be grateful for what you have because you could have even less," it tends to produce shame rather than happiness. 

We are Allowed to be Unhappy

I suggest thinking about gratitude as something with two sides. It can be helpful to have a reminder of the good things you have, just as it is important to remember that some parts of life are difficult. Both are allowed to exist at the same time, and one doesn't block out the other. In fact, remembering that both can be true at the same time can do wonders for the shame and guilt we sometimes feel when we're having a hard time. It gives us permission to say, "I'm grateful for what I have, and I want some things to be better." Which we are allowed to say