If you identify as a perfectionist, you probably do a lot of black or white thinking (‘‘my kid cried during family pictures so now everything’s ruined”). You also likely compare yourself to others all the time and even compare yourself to past versions of yourself (“why can’t I just focus like I could in college”).  You may also refer to yourself as “type A” or “organized” and yet in your gut feel very disorganized and out of sorts. There are ways to address these patterns!

It is possible to overcome this perfectionist pattern! Here’s how:

• Recognize how it impacts you. That means, take a second to think about what striving for perfection has cost you. Maybe it cost you time spent with loved ones or doing something fun because you were worrying about how to seamlessly complete a task. Or maybe it’s affected your self esteem (being perfect isn’t actually possible, so your own value can plummet). Figure out what it is about perfectionism that you want to change!

• View it as a pattern that was meant to help you, but just isn’t that helpful anymore. For some people, perfectionism may have started out as a way to keep them safe (physically or emotionally). Some children who have parent/s who only give them attention when they achieve high grades for example may have learned that being perfect gets them love (and without it, they are unlovable). Other children used perfectionism to avoid negative consequences such as verbal or physical abuse (if I do everything right, or try to predict what my parent wants, I’ll avoid pain). Whatever the reason, spend some time reflecting on what fueled this pattern and give yourself some kindness.

• Embrace mistakes. This is tough, I know. If you’re the kind of person who never wants to use that brand new, fancy, beautiful notebook because you’ll “mess it up”, this is for you. Start small. Maybe you start by writing a letter to yourself and however it turns out (spelling errors, words crossed out, etc) you send it to yourself anyway. Mistakes are not bad and it can take some very intentional work to believe that in your gut.

• Go to therapy. It helps, I swear. To have someone else identify patterns with you and explore deeper meaning behind those patterns is so validating and freeing. You are worth spending the time on. 

• Bonus: cut out accounts that make you feel shitty and not worthy. If you constantly compare yourself to other moms doing high end artwork with their somehow very tidy toddlers, then unfollow the accounts that show you that content. Or accounts that promote weight loss or body changes. Find out which posts trigger you and unfollow. 

If you’re an OH or NY resident looking for therapy for your perfectionism, contact me today.