Why Am I Not Enjoying Time With My Kids?

It is highly possible that you’ve been focusing all of your energy, time and being into your children. Some folks may see this as admirable. I know I used to. This pattern can also be seen as a way of avoiding your own needs and wants in order to prevent negative consequences later (even perceived ones). And it tends to result in dreading that time spent with kids that you desperately wanted to love.

Putting Your Needs Last Makes You the First One To Suffer

Putting your needs last can lead to resentment of the people around you. When you neglect your own needs and desires, you become exhausted, overwhelmed, and eventually bitter.  This is not the version of yourself that typically enjoys time spent with your kids!

You may begin to feel resentful of those who have their needs met, even your children, and even when you know logically their needs are important. This doesn’t make you a bad mom. It’s so common for women to be asked to effectively (and with a smile) manage a household, the kid/s and their needs and also plan the fun stuff like outings and vacations so that everyone can “relax”.

Deep down, and on the gut level, you may believe “I don’t matter” or “I have to be perfect” which continues to encourage self sacrifice and people pleasing behaviors.

People Pleasing and Self Sacrifice Can Look Like:
-spending any free time you have planning things for your kids
-skipping the invite to meet friends for coffee because you don’t want to inconvenience your partner
-volunteering at your kiddos school event despite already being over scheduled and stressed

When we slowly start to prioritize ourselves as moms, we start to fully appreciate and enjoy the time with our kids!

How to do this starts with recognizing signals from your body and brain and working toward giving yourself increased chunks of time (these can start small!) for yourself. The idea of self care for moms has often been reduced to getting a manicure or a massage. I’m not knocking those as resources if they’re accessible for you! However, self care isn’t about being Instagram-worthy. Oftentimes self care is not glamorous at all.

Here are my favorite ways to engage in self care:

-attend my own therapy so I have a dedicated person that I trust to hold that space for me and I can actively work on my resentment and related behaviors. Click here to read more about choosing the right therapist for you.

-take a 30 min break/pause. this is not so I can switch to doing another task. This is an intentional 30-60 minute pause on whatever I was doing to do something I enjoy depending on my energy level. Some days this is watching reality tv. Some days this is listening to a podcast while I sit on the couch. The more I practice this, the easier it gets to take the break in the first place without guilt.

-get some of my feelings out through creating something. Maybe you’re not a journal person, that’s ok. If you are, take some time to jot down what you notice in your body, your thoughts, anything that’s coming up. Alternatively, make something that expresses what you’re experiencing. Watercolors, colored pencils, crayons, whatever you have, just get them out and put something down.

If you are currently wondering why you don’t love the time you spend with your children, I’d encourage you to try some these tips. You matter, too.