The Other Type of Mom Guilt (That’s Less Talked About and Equally Harmful)

Mom guilt is a term that’s often thrown around to refer to the concept of perfectionism as a mother, and the ways in which moms have to constantly keep up with unrealistic expectations. This resonates with a lot of moms, to be sure, but what about the other type of guilt?

What’s Mom Guilt About, Anyway?

Mom guilt as a term has been talked about for the past few years, specifically on social media, to capture succinctly a concept that is so hurtful to parents and children. The idea of being a perfect mom is an automatic set up for feeling sad, anxious and believing you’re not good enough. As if that whole concept of comparisons and perfectionism isn’t enough to contend with as a parent, there’s another category of ‘mom guilt’ that exists. 

Guilt and Grief Combined

The other type of mom guilt I’ll be referring to as ‘Grief Guilt’. What can happen, and is rarely discussed in mom circles or articles for that matter, is the guilt related to missing their former life. Some moms jump into motherhood and the transition feels seamless, easy, made for them. I’m happy for those moms- but it’s not every mother’s experience. Some moms miss their former pre-kid days, the spontaneity it held, the freedom. 

As a therapist, I’m here to say, it’s completely normal to miss and grieve previous stages of life. I’m also very aware that this longing and grief can bring immense shame and guilt to mothers. Thoughts creep into your head that increase the intense emotions, thoughts like 

-“I’m a bad mom because I’m not enjoying every minute” 

-“There must be something wrong with me for missing that part of life when so many women want to be moms. I need to be happy with what I have.” 

-"Other moms don’t feel this way. I wasn’t meant to be a mom. I don’t deserve it.”

It feels painful to sit with those thoughts.  Plenty of moms avoid them by pushing them away, distracting themselves, or straight up ignoring them. Understandably, as the duties of motherhood carry on whether you acknowledge intrusive thoughts or not. The issue I’ve seen is that these thoughts and the accompanying guilt, shame and self doubt don’t go away. They become held in our brains and our bodies. (That’s why something your mother in law said about seeing the neighbor doing arts and crafts felt like a personal attack against you, like your MIL’s intent was to point out your deficits.) It’s not necessarily true that your MIL thinks you’re not doing enough. Though, because of how you’ve internalized the guilt and shame of missing the no-kid lifestyle, it felt purposeful and hurtful. Multiply this interaction and you can guess some of the effects of continuing to avoid your emotions.

How to Deal With ‘Grief Guilt’

Similarly to perfectionism mom guilt, it’s about the way you see yourself and the world around you. Being able to speak freely and be validated for what you’re feeling can be incredibly healing. Some folks find this through more structured support groups (you can find one on psychology today). Though most often, using whatever friends, peers you already use is a great starting point. If that doesn’t work, I also suggest using social media (your choice of platform, of course) to find people talking about this topic. 

The most effective way to manage mom guilt is to go to therapy. Therapy is the place to feel seen and safely share your fears.  Hear from a non biased person that what you're experiencing is normal and not permanent. You’ll be able to work on those negative beliefs, the attached emotions, and find yourself with less stress and overwhelm. Read more about choosing a therapist here. If you’re in Ohio or New York and want to feel less stressed out as a mom, contact me today.