EMDR therapy can be used for a variety of concerns, experiences and memories. It can also be used effectively for codependency! Read on to learn more about how EMDR is used for folks who struggle with codependent behaviors or people pleasing and get to the bottom of what these behaviors are attempting to do for you.

What’s Codependency? 

Briefly put, it’s a category of behaviors that are about control. It can look different for different people. For some, codependency is avoidance based which could be suppressing feelings, or pushing everything down because it may not be what others want to hear. For others, it’s about having to feel needed by someone, sometimes using sexual attention to gain approval (and feel less alone or worthless).  And still, for another set of folks, it’s believing (whether admitting it out loud or not) that other people are incapable of taking care of themselves (so that’s why they need you). 

Where Does Codependency Come From?

Codependency often starts in childhood or early life experiences. Some common origins include:

• Family Dynamics: Growing up in a household where one felt responsible for the well-being of others.

• Traumatic Events: Experiencing events that made one feel unsafe or out of control, including abuse and neglect of all types.

• Cultural or Societal Expectations: Pressure to conform to certain roles or behaviors.
  

How Can Virtual EMDR Help My Codependency?

EMDR therapy may have originated to deal with specific event-based trauma but that’s not the only thing it’s used for today. Over time and with a breadth of research conducted, EMDR has been shown effective for much more than one small definition of trauma. Ultimately, EMDR therapy takes a disturbing memory or image and through bilateral stimulation (eye movement, tapping, or audio tones) it reduces the emotional charge of the memory and the associated thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. What this looks like in practice is to first have a client identify a memory or image that upsets them and is causing them some damage or distress in the present.

For example, someone who was attacked by a dog may experience increased heart rate, fear, anxiety, sweating, and believing something bad will happen or the attack was their fault every time they leave their office and walk on the same path as the day they were attacked. Virtual EMDR therapy doesn’t remove the memory of someone being attacked by a dog. However, it does reprocess the memory so that it can be safely stored in the brain. Meaning they can walk down the path, acknowledging that this is where the event happened, but without feeling overwhelmed by emotion and body sensations.

Virtual EMDR Step By Step:

• Reduces Emotional Charge. EMDR therapy uses bilateral stimulation (like eye movements or tapping) to lessen the emotional intensity of painful memories. EMDR uses fast back-and-forth movements that mimic what occurs during REM sleep (just more on purpose).

• Targets Specific Memories. By focusing on memories that fuel and relate to codependent behaviors (such as trouble saying no, and avoiding conflict at all costs), EMDR helps reframe negative beliefs about oneself.

• Builds Healthy Patterns. EMDR helps individuals replace harmful behaviors with healthier, more effective ones.

With that being said, EMDR can be used (and I use it often with clients I work with) to reprocess unpleasant, painful experiences related to the beliefs clients present with. What does that mean? Well, simply put, EMDR therapists will want to know what the issue is really about for a client (what’s the negative belief fueling this?).  I work with people who see themselves as codependent, putting others’ needs before their own, and people who push down their own feelings out of fear of what someone else may think or what might happen if they express their emotions. Is this pattern of behaving new in the past year for that client? Maybe they experienced a bad breakup last year and the pain of that breakup is affecting them in the present. Or perhaps this person has always “gone with the flow” and does whatever they could for others, for as long as they can remember they were the ‘helper’ and would have consequences if they didn’t help. Through some exploration and intentional questions, clients and I figure out what’s underneath these behaviors. From that point, during virtual therapy in Ohio, we identify specific memories related to that theme and the beliefs about themselves. 

Why Virtual EMDR Works for Codependency

Codependent behaviors often stem from deep-seated beliefs like “I am not enough” or “I have to be perfect.” Here’s how EMDR addresses these:

• Identifying Core Beliefs: Clients pinpoint negative beliefs that drive their behavior.

• Reprocessing Memories: EMDR helps them revisit and change their emotional response to key memories.

• Forming Positive Beliefs: The goal is to replace negative beliefs with positive ones, such as “I am worthy” or “My needs matter.”

  
  
  

  Examples of Codependent Beliefs and Behaviors

• Belief: “I have to be perfect.”

  • Behavior:

    • At Work. Overworking and staying late to ensure every detail is flawless, fearing any mistakes will lead to severe consequences or disappointment from others.

    • At Home. Spending hours cleaning and organizing to maintain a perfect household, even when exhausted.

    • In Relationships. Constantly seeking validation from friends and family, apologizing excessively even when not at fault, and avoiding expressing personal needs to prevent conflict.

• Belief: “My needs don’t matter.”

  • Behavior:

    • At Home. Always prioritizing the needs of children, spouse, or others over personal health and well-being, skipping meals, and forgoing rest to meet others' needs.

    • In Social Situations. Agreeing to social plans or favors even when inconvenient or stressful, avoiding saying “no” to avoid disappointing others.

    • In Self-Care. Neglecting personal hobbies or interests, not scheduling medical appointments, or skipping exercise time because it feels selfish to take time away from caregiving duties.

• Belief: “I am not good enough.”

  • Behavior:

    • In Personal Goals. Setting unreasonably high standards and feeling paralyzed by fear of failure, leading to procrastination or giving up.

    • In Relationships. Clinging to relationships even if they are unhealthy, feeling unworthy of better treatment, and tolerating disrespect or abuse.

    • In Decision Making. Constantly second-guessing decisions, seeking excessive reassurance from others, and avoiding making choices independently due to fear of making the wrong one.

• Belief: “I am responsible for others' happiness.”

  • Behavior:

    • With Family. Micromanaging family members’ lives, feeling anxious when others are upset, and taking on their emotional burdens as personal failures.

    • With Friends. Going out of the way to fix friends’ problems, offering unsolicited advice, and feeling personally distressed if the advice isn’t taken or doesn’t work.

    • In Parenting. Over-involvement in children’s activities and emotions, preventing them from experiencing failure or disappointment, and not allowing them to develop independence.
      

Codependency Beliefs Can Affect Everyday Life

These examples help illustrate how deeply these beliefs can influence everyday actions and interactions, often leading to significant stress and burnout. EMDR therapy can help individuals identify and reprocess the memories and experiences that reinforce these beliefs, fostering healthier behaviors and improved self-worth.

These beliefs and there are plenty more/variations, hold a lot of charge and fuel codependent behaviors. For someone who grew up having to make sure their younger sibling got fed, dressed, and to school on time, believing that things in the present are their responsibility may feel true to them in their gut. And should that person go against their gut and not take care of a task for someone else, or tell someone no, they may feel intense guilt, shame, or anxiety and not know why. It’s not that everything relates back to our childhood necessarily. It is that the way we experience the world and people in it growing up, as a teen, as a young adult, and as an adult, all matter. It all plays a part in how we view ourselves today in the present. This can be a wonderful realization for some, and scary for others. 

Change Your Codependency Beliefs & Behaviors with Virtual EMDR in Ohio

Therapy is a place to explore, to gain insight into why you are the way you are, and to make changes should you decide changes are called for. Virtual EMDR therapy can be a direct, powerful way to address distress related to codependency. As well as to ultimately help you to start living life for yourself. If you’re an Ohio resident looking for therapy follow these steps:

1. Contact me for a free consultation. 

2. Schedule your first appointment with a trained EMDR therapist who cares

3. Break codependency beliefs and start empowering yourself

Online Therapy Services I Offer in Ohio & New York

As a female therapist, I offer EMDR intensives for more than just codependency. I also offer therapy for anxious moms, support after birth trauma, and EMDR for grief. If you are a mother who needs support so you can start living a happier life contact me today.